Crash Bandicoot (Game)
Crash Bandicoot is a platformer video game originally released in 1996 for the Sony PlayStation. The very first game of the Crash Bandicoot series, this game introduced the world to Crash Bandicoot, the star of the Crash Bandicoot series, who would continue to star in Crash Bandicoot games ad nauseam. In this game, he sets out on an epic quest to save some dirty whore he wants to fuck, badly. Plot Somewhere, south of the real-world country of Australia, lie a trio of islands. One of them is a barren jungle wasteland dominated by the Republic of Tribesanistan. The second is....lame. The third is a mechanical utopia, its landscape dominated by the impressively archaic castle of the world-renowned professional scientist, Dr. Neo Cortex. With the aid of his best friend, lover, and fellow professional scientist, Dr. Nitrus Brio, he has devised an invention that will change the world as we know it: the Evolvo-Ray! While some scientists have busied themselves with creating useless trifle like "atomic bombs", Cory has found an even more terrifying source of hellish world-destroying power. I am referring, of course, to adorable animal critters. Which he can evolve! Into slightly more powerful adorable animal critters! One of these creatures was a peace-loving bandicoot named Crash. Ugh. Goddamn hippies. Nonetheless, Cortie hoped to evolve him and appoint the leader of his terrifying furry fetishistic army! Unfortunately, Crashie could not be brainwashed - the Cortex Vortex fucking sucks ass - so the good Doctor thought it would be a terrific idea to just hurl him through a plate-glass window. Exactly like real-world basketball athlete Charles Barkley! What Corcor and Bribri didn't count on, however, is that Crash had fallen madly in love with another of their experiments: Tawna, the bandicoot prostitute. Driven by the force of his ill-advised love, Crash survives the fall, and an impressive extended show of lifeless corpsemanship, only to wash up on N. Sanity Beach. From here, he sets off on an epic journey. Stuff happens. He eventually saves her. I assume she probably fucked him a couple times, out of pity/obligation. Colour me jealous. Oh, I almost forgot! Neoie also awesomely owns - get this - a blimp!!! Characters Crash Bandicoot: The main protagonist of the game. A once-adorable bandicoot mutated into a hideously unlovable betrousered abomination via the fearsome power of the Evolvo-Ray. Because he is no longer attractive, he is willing to go to absurd lengths to get laid. Voiced by Brendan O'Brien. Dr. Neo Cortex: The main antagonist. A stereotypical professional scientist with a thing for furries, apparently. His various inventions play a huge role in the game, from the obvious Evolvo-Ray and Cortex Vortex (some sort of pseudoscientific hypnosis doohickey), to less obvious things like very special cotton. Voiced by Brendalina O'Brielina. Dr. Nitrus Brio: The Neoster's temporary right hand man. A nervous professional scientist who is also a stuttering loser, he was the original inventor of the Evolvo-Ray, but let Cort-i-zone take the credit, due to low self-esteem and inventor laziness. He also enjoys abusing body-altering drugs. Voiced by Brendan of the Brien. Tawna: The damsel in distress. A delightful she-bandicoot whose character is as deep as her tits are huge. She's so fine, Crash is willing to cross three islands filled with terrible platforming just to fuck her. Like all good women, she never speaks a word in-game. Aku Aku: A magical wooden mask that watches over Crash. By "watches over", of course, I mean "feebly cowers inside a wooden crate until Crash frees him, after which he can provide minimal assistance by taking one puny hit for". Voiced by Snoop Doggy Brendan O'Brien. Wartie: A thoroughly useless warthog that Crash likes to ride, if you know what I mean. Cheeky eyebrow waggle. Oh yeah. Voiced by Brendanowitz Brienstein. Aku Aku del Blanc: Aku Aku's extremely pale third cousin from, as his name suggests, Northern Finland. His delightful personality and charming smile never fail to light up the room. And by "delightful personality and charming smile", I mean "bowel-shattering paleness". Voiced by Not-Conan O'Brien. President Papu Papu: The staunchly conservative leader of Tribesanistan. In only the second year of his first term, Jerry is struggling to prove himself to his people, and Crash crashing his new immigration reform policy certainly didn't help. Nonetheless, all dissenters would die, so it doesn't really matter if he proves himself to his people after all. Ah, democracy. Also, he's a fatty. Voiced by Bennard Norbie. Ripper Roo: Cortex's first first test subject. The experiment failed, so he was banished to some obscure waterfall thing on Wumpa Island. (This despite the fact that a perfectly good insanity beach exists on N. Sanity Island.) He likes explosions, and modeling his snazzy new straitjacket, ironically enough, for other men. Voiced by Brian O'Brenden. Koala Kong: A giant, monstrous koala bear obsessed with hurling boulders at people. We're supposed to take this as some sort of impressive feat of strength, despite the fact that Crashie the weakling is perfectly capable of flinging these boulders back at him, at a higher velocity, too! Voiced by Potatoes O'Brien. Pinstripe Potoroo: A sharp-dressed potoroo who's Mafi-oh-so terrifying! His mob ties helped him obtain a position as the CEO of Cortex's powerful Cortex Power power company owned by Neo Cortex. He enjoys murdering people with his gun, which he has adorably named Tommy. Voiced by Edmond Hussein O'Brien, Jr. Gameplay As the first game in the series, Crash Bandicoot controls relatively simply. Crash Bandicoot can utilize an unimpressive Spin Attack, and also, jump on shit! This is literally all he can do! Yes, seriously! Crashie will have to utilize all the skills at his disposal in order to clear a bunch of levels and shit. If he's good, he can even destroy all the crates in a given level in order to obtain a Gem of some sort! It might be White. It could also be Blue, or Yellow, or Purple, or Green, or Yellowy Red, or even Homosexually Red! Gems are very important, as evidenced by the fact that Naughty Dog didn't even add them till the last minute in a desperate attempt to make the game interesting. Oh, right, I almost forgot! You can't get a Gem unless you clear a level without dying, at all. Yes, seriously. Connie Booth is a fucking cunt. Collecting three special Two-Dimensional Severed Character Heads in any given level will allow the player to access the Bonus Round! Clearing it will let you save the game! Yes, that's right, you have to earn the right to save this game! Really! And if it's one of the two Cortex Bonus Rounds, surviving it will also earn a special Skeleton Key-o'-Cortex, which Crash can use to unlock a secret level, a sly reference to Cortiebelle's locksmith fetish. Levels First Island: N. Sanity Island Second Island: Wumpa Island Third Island: Cortex Island Development Reception and Legacy